I want a man who is sexy.

I want a man who is funny.

I want a man who does not want children or already has his own.

I want a man that has a job and his own apartment.

I want a man that loves his family but does not let them control him.

I want a man that holds himself accountable.

I want a man that knows his flaws but is working on them.

I want a man with a kid heart but strong disposition.

I want a man who is somewhat secure.

I'm tired of feeling helpless.

I'm tired of feeling lonely.

I'm tired of feeling my life is controlled by others.

I'm tired of feeling unloved.

I'm tired of allowing people to disrespect me.

I'm tired of thinking of others before myself.

Me: Hey. How are you?

I: I'm looking for Ahmed.

Me: It sounds like you are outside.

I: (Laughing) Ahmed is hiding because the boss is coming.

Me: It sounds like you are outside.

I: I have to go because the battery is dieing.

Me: Okay.

(I hang up and call the store. His boss answers).

Me: Can I speak to Ihab?

B: Ihab left two minutes ago.

I hang up and text Ihab that I no longer want him to speak to me because I'm tired of his lying.
One hour later he calls me three times and then texts me that he is not a liar. I'm tired of his lying.

Last night he was in front of his friend and said he would pay for my ticket to Florida. I've spoken about Florida many times with him and never mentioned it. He said it in front of his friend to make himself seem big and he knew I would not accept his ticket so he nothing to lose and everything to gain by looking good in fron of his friend.

I've been treated miserablly for so long by my own blood.
A mother and a sister who are emotionally ill.
I have to live in this house of my childhoold like a squatter.
Waiting for the day my mother dies and my sister removes me.
She has made her intentions clear.

She was direct.
"You cannot live here. We cannot live together. You can't expect to live here."
Mother had made her trustee to the house.
It is as if I am non-existent.
Correction. I am existing.
I am existing as their leach.

It's the oddest feeling knowing your family does not love or care for you.
It's unnatural.
No one believes mewhen I tell them of my situation.
They cannot believe family would behave that way.
No one believes of the madness till they overhear my family and their chaos and then I get apologies for my "situation."

How am I to live in a house I called and call home knowing it isn't?
How do I call someone mother who has no maternal love for me?
How do I call someone sister who has no emotional bond with me?

I feel awkward here.
I feel sad.
I feel scared for my future.
I feel like my life is a prison and I have no viable option out.

I'm looking at things differently now.
I'm looking at them differently now.
I've always known they're selfish tendencies.
I've always known the dysfunctionality of our family.

Now it's as if I see through them.
Past them as if they are ghosts.
I will be congenial.
I will treat them with the respect I would any other human being as long as I am living here.
But the words Mother and Sister are titles and not endearing to me at all.

I've got to toughen myself a bit.

There is a bright side to this - I no longer have to please them.
I no longer have to worry about angering or disappointing.
My mother's demands, tirades, and emotional abuse will be just what they have always been: rantings of a mentally ill woman with a bad character.

There is a positive side to this. There is something freeing of them not having a hold on me.

In my dream last night I was rubbing cream on my arm.

I felt something on my skin.

I thought it was dirt and started to rub it off.

My skin turned yellow and hard and was coming off as I rubbed.

I started pulling off my skin.

I was awoken from the dream by my sister who has no manners and knocks even though she knows I am sleeping.

I was horrified by that dream.

I woke up tense and scared and my heart was racing.

This is a normal everyday thing but I didn't want the last visual to be of that dream because it would rest and playback in my head all day and become a memory as most of my dreams do.

I got up and tried to get myself together.

The entire time the visual was popping in my head.

At first I thought it was the frustration of my weight that made me have the dream.

Shedding weight...shedding skin.

This was me stressing I thought.

I then decided to turn a negative into a positive.

Yes, I'm shedding a skin.

The old skin for a new one.

I am improving myself day by day.

Making slow strides.

I will be okay.